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On the contrary, I've had a marvelous time and each of my 4 husbands would tell you the same thing if they'd survived.
Two members of my own family apologizing to each other without a policeman present.
Many tiny excited children.
I'm not homophobic. I'm Homo-exhausted.
Damping at my cleavage with a cocktail napkin after you deliberately spilled Chablis on me is not a relationship.
You didn't earn a cookie.
If God wanted us to vote he'd give us candidates.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and you sleep alone.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge.
Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power.
Why would you ask a loaded question like that in my presence?
Suddenly my mouth had two tongues and his didn't have any.
You Slut! - Welcome to the club.
Must a girl wear underwear to get respect?
I just want to strip naked and scream.
Cholesterol Jacuzzi.
Elf tastes just like chicken.
High chair hostage.
Our relationship is a little different. We eat regular meals and there's been no attempted murder.
Sex is like air. It becomes very important when you’re not getting any.
You want fun? Send Dan Quale a Where’s Waldo Book. Then stand back and watch his head explode.
The show isn’t over until the fat lady goes back into the dressing room and changes into her street clothes.
The only thing worse than being young and in love is not so young and in love.
Hop into bed with the worthless abandonment of a mattress tester.
I haven’t screamed like that since Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
Our Lady of Perpetual Abstinence.
You have about as much sexual experience as my thermometer. No wait that’s not a good example.
He gets to me like Polka music.
Service is free but tips are accepted in lieu of decent wages.
I would describe her as charm free.
The reason men lie is so they don’t have to listen to women bitch.
It’s a wild world and nobody rides for free.
Sitcoms are to entertainment what a banjo is to an orchestra.
It’s not that life is short. It’ that you’re dead so long.
All question must be submitted in writing.
Does this mean there’s no buffet?
That’s Mister Miss Thing to you.
My life is not in the fast lane. It’s in oncoming traffic.
I don’t know what you’re on but I’m not serving it.
She’s not a trip. She’s a vacation.
When the romance is gone out of the relationship, get dressed and go home.
Mary had a little lamb and a side order of fries.
We will convict you on fashion.
For a small fee you can have my phone number.
I’m vicious when I have time.
Coed Prison Sluts – The Musical.
Mary had a little lamb with mint jelly.
Theater is life. Film is art. Television is furniture.
Chihuahua is a dog for lazy people. No walks just hold it out the window and squeeze.
I agree in moderation but only within reason.
Carmen Denominator
The world is probably funnier to people who don’t live here.
We don’t necessarily discriminate we simply exclude certain types of people.
I wouldn’t be this fucked up if I had a pony as a child.
Been there, seen it, hated it.
If this be degradation, play on.
He doesn’t have a clue. It’s like someone moved his food dish.
Never underestimate the power of spandex.
Isn’t it about time Dan Quale said something stupid again?
Someone from the Geraldo Rivera Show should follow you around with a tape recorder.
If going to church makes you a Christian, then going to the garage makes you a car.
Reality Challenged (not crazy).
Homosexuals are chosen on talent, interview, then swimsuit and evening gown.
Real men are better than cartoon men.
I don’t want to end up like you. A whipped furniture loving girl-boy.
No ‘off switch’ on you.
I have a low threshold for other peoples’ pleasure.
I’ll just go home and make myself a dress out of the drapes.
A man doesn’t want to sleep with you if he asks you to accompany him to Liza.
You’re about to become a strange smell in the attic.
I can make you feel like a man: "Take out the trash."
This from the boy who named his goldfish ‘Fluffy’.
Her face has seen more cuts than a Thanksgiving turkey.
What’s a little pain among friends?
Sex is better than bowling. The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.
The public consists entirely of raging idiots.
Road kill doesn’t get any flatter as time goes by.
Lower than the rent on a burning building.
But like the nails, I press on.
Look what the pharmacist drug in.
Another life enriching task.
I’ve been in canoes that were smaller than her feet.
Every friend you make is just one more person who’ll eventually ask you for a ride to the airport.
Where not only did life imitate art, it topped it.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate, location, location, location.
Raisins are just humiliated grapes,
You don’t play catch with a hydrogen bomb.
Try taunting the other teams bullpen on why Slim Fast didn’t work for them.
John's don't tip.
I've seen honest faces before. They're usually attached to liars.
Swimmers Build - Must refer to Shelly Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.
I see the wheel turning, but I think the hamster is dead.
I don't think your oven heats evenly.
I hear you don't drive stick anymore. (recently out lesbian)
Clothes look really Bad on you.
Her elevator doesn't go all the way up. It barely makes it to the Mezzanine.
Behind all the Vinyl Siding, Suburbia is a freak show.
Linda Tripp is an insult to Drag Queens everywhere.
I'm a quart low on estrogen and I don't have the time.
Life is like a martini made with cheap gin. You might as well enjoy it, it's going to kick you in the ass anyway.
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© I only take credit for a few of these. If you said it first, then you know who you are.