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Mystery tantrum.
Just a little fit of existential despair.
A warning to tourists. Do not laugh at the natives.
There's always something under the gravy.
Hovering at the edge of meaning.
If you're not giving your man head, somebody else is.
Water retaining sea cow.
Rural Tennessee - which is redundant.
Just not ready for live entertainment.
Another would-be actor slinging drinks in hell.
Honey, there are places even the best of friends can't travel together.
The argument on abortion seems to hinge on the question "when does life begin?" Some say "Life begins at 50."
The social director on a cruise for one.
There's not enough room to sling a cat in here.
Do it with gay intent.
Sometimes I can just feel his nose up my ass.
Falling in love in Paris is such a cliche.
There's nothing like a trick coming over to make you clean up the house.
She has the intelligence of head lice.
The only way you'd get hot with a woman is if you're cremated together.
Shut up and look pretty.
Are you gay? -- Look at how this apartment is decorated.
Did it ever occur to you that your therapist might be playing a long series of jokes on you?
The only thing he's been faithful to is the Trojan Company.
I am sure they'll do a mini-series about it.
It's a great place to raise a family…or a plant.
A drive-by guilting.
She's as old as driftwood.
Sleeping your way to the top only works if you take pictures.
It's better to be free than cheap.
Do you have some Saran Wrap and a can of ninety weight?
If you take care of yourself and stay healthy you can grow up and die.
Have a nice day - somewhere else.
She's a saint. Yeah. A real Joan of Arc. Someone should tie her to a stake and set her on fire.
F-u-c-k does not spell intercourse.
Don't get your nipples hard.
Gang of idiots.
Bitch on wheels.
Son-of-a-bitch - One word accent on the last syllable.
What's good for a hangover? Drinking heavily the night before.
What's the point in being old if you can't be dirty?
Who gives a tinker's ding-dong?
My body belongs to me but I share.
Long John minimum wage.
It’s like calling the Pacific Ocean moist.
My husband took a video of the delivery. It was hour after hour of me begging to be killed.
Her face is so tight she looks like she's flying on the wing of a concord.
Rape, ultra violence & a little bit of Beethoven.
Reality is a much bigger concept than I ever imagined.
Cordless phone sex.
The wages of sin are tax-free.
This is not a dress rehearsal.
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
Bavarian moose tramp.
With just a splash of idiotic jargon.
Love has to be earned. Sex is something you have on the way home.
I don't care. I don't have to.
Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional.
Take it easy - but take it.
A mother's disapproval is the strongest aphrodisiac.
....,,,::;':;,,.,.,.??!! Put them where you need them, I don't know where they go.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
He who dies with the most toys wins.
Who's minding the bridge?
A flight attendant is a waitress with a death wish.
You really don't want my undivided attention.
I'd stand a better chance of figuring out which phone company has better rates.
There's so much sucking up going on in here it sounds like an Electrolux showroom.
Behind every great man there is a great woman and behind her is a preening fag.
No shirt, no shoes, no brain, no service.
You could almost here the theme from Jaws in the background.
For those who've fallen in love and can't get up.
Bitter? Oh, a tad.
The family tree ends here.
Getting one inch of snow is like winning 10 in the lottery.
Don't be so picky. I wasn't.
The quiet ones - They always look so innocent.
Denial is the key to a dysfunctional lifestyle.
Looks like an ostrich on crack.
You are who I think of when I have sex with my husband.
Every morning my mother hands me a steak knife and says: 'Kill me this way. It'll be quicker.'
Gary Hart bumper sticker: Yeah, I fucked her. Vote for me.
Therapists call me for advice.
She was married to a bisexual. He left her for another woman. The ultimate put down.
It's wonderful to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I just took my body weight in pharmaceuticals. I feel fine.
I'm sleeping with someone tonight. It might as well be you.
I had to. The hooker made him nervous.
I don't have a service. I have a machine.
An open book is never read by a closed-minded person.
You can prick your finger but you can't finger your prick.
I wouldn't make angel if I died.
Customer support is when you catch them before you hit the floor.
I know you have an attitude but why aren't you sitting on my face by now?
I wish I had your mirror.
There's nothing wrong with getting stoned. After all Mary Magdalene was.
How the hell should I know? My specialty is large cats and exotic birds.
I’m here, I’m awake, Don’t push it.
If you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport.
An orgasm, They don't make anything better.
If it's not one thing, It's your mother.
Who can fathom the feminine mind?
Another casualty of applied metaphysics.
I suppose if I had two X-chromosomes, I'd feel hostile too.
Manacled to my mattress.
Harnessed to my headboard.
Red meat and liquor. What else is there?
At least I live with someone who doesn't have to be re-inflated periodically.
People who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones.
'I love you' is not like a get out of jail free card.
This tastes like lawn clippings.
You can get blood from a stone. You just have to throw it hard enough.
He has this extremely high opinion of his legs.
Support people because they're right, Not because they're like you.
He has the intuition of a brick.
Sex is kind of like a trip to Disneyland. You get all excited about a ride on the Maddorhorn and then when it's over you realize you wasted all that time in line for a minute and a half upside down and a chance to throw up.
"Reality" should always be used in quotes.
Nothing like running into an old trick at an orgy.
The only time I'd wear pantyhose was if I was robbing a bank.
You're so short you could be a teller at a piggy bank.
My body is a temple not an amusement park.
I work in television. I don't consider myself a good judge of odd.
Sleeping like a baby means waking up every 20 minutes screaming.
As long as he has his Thorazine, he's fine.
Who says all bimbos are blonde.
Could you put this in my car please?
Who thinks this stuff up? Queens.
She's so fat, after sex she smokes a turkey.
It's only a matter of time before you're dating a woman in a coma.
If you don't want to spend money, stay home.
When you're drunk it becomes impossible to whisper.
Why do dead people get to ride in such nice cars?
I Missed You, So I shot again.
Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm trying To Tell You Goodbye.
Unless you're a star, you can't please anyone.
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
Okay, you've had almost a month to get used to the idea that someone you voted for actually won.
You can train meat, but you can't make it perform.
Nothing in life is 'Fun for the whole family'.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
It takes more than a magic wand to make a fairy.
It’s in a part of town where the main industry is hubcap resale.
I could have spent my time better driving wooden spikes into my head.
Q: Do you scream a lot? A: Well that kind of depends on you.
He wouldn't leave a tip at a circumcision.
She is just too happy to live.
That's not Joan Rivers. That's a cross-dressing male prostitute.
If life is a stage, I need better lighting and my own dressing room.
The whole world is gay. Only some of us are practicing.
You have the character references of a politician.
Nothing says 'easy' like short black leather.
Tonsil Hockey.
I'm worried about Ted. And you know I wouldn't normally say that unless he was out on a ledge directly above my car.
If sex were fast food, you'd have a golden arch over your bed.
Dry heave ballet.
Any mention of your sex life is out of bounds. I'm sorry but those are the rules.
A mixture of great creativity and shear madness.
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© I only take credit for a few of these. If you said it first, then you know who you are.