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Your dad is a lot of things. Cool is not one of them.
If we all lived forever, where would you park?
The exact same thing is happening on Days of Our Lives.
I swear on my hair - may I never have a good hair day again.
I'll rip out your lungs and wear them as a hat.
Princesses come in all shapes and sizes.
Education and religion belong in the same sentence about as much as teeth and penis.
You look at me and you think I'm gonna pull a gerbil out of my butt? No. I'm not through with the gerbil yet.
Have sex as often as we have a democratic president.
Ten home pregnancy tests and a dead rabbit can't all be wrong.
Swamp queen.
Oh Yeah. Try it with a partner.
I plan to be so successful, so famous, so well respected, that drag queens want to dress like me in parades when I'm dead.
It won't be long before you start parking in the handicapped zone at the mall.
My heart is full.
An angry drag queen is scarier than a menitar.
Only two questions - Is it big enough and where can I put it.
Pot smells like Lincoln Logs in a pesto sauce.
The dope fairy.
Everything will be fine if we just sacrifice a virgin.
Sworming vortex of need.
You couldn't turn me on if I had a switch.
Celebrity AIDS Notification Board.
I'll kiss whatever you like and make it better.
Everyone is a sex goddess in red light.
Elvis has left the building.
Remember when sex couldn't kill you unless you lost control of the car?
He is the gayest human being I've ever met.
I picked up some subtle hints while his tongue was down my throat.
Teenagers are God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Three weeks is considered a meaningful relationship.
I'm going to save all the world's oceans through modeling.
Not since Sara Lee invented double chocolate fudge has another woman given me such pleasure?
Love and deep neurosis. Don't confuse the two.
It's hard not to be taken in by someone when they've got their tongue down your throat 24 hours a day.
Will work for cardboard and a magic marker.
Friends are around so that just when you feel like: "I'm fabulous", they ask: "What about Popeye?"-(Robin Williams)
Bomb threats for everyone.
I'm an Entertainer- or what's left of one.
Someone dropped a house on my sister. But I still have the shoes.
You're evil and you must be destroyed.
Elvis died for our sins.
She's so stupid she can't operate Velcro.
Oops, I'm sorry. My fault. I expressed an interest in your life.
Instant gratification takes too long.
Looks like someone buttered her and rolled her in sequins.
I took Quaaludes and acid. I missed my trip.
A Pop Quiz is when your partner wakes you in the middle of the night and asks, "OK. What's my name?"
You've been down on everything except the Titanic.
Career? Did you get a night job we don't know about?
Another true story about track lighting.
You two picked out a china pattern yet?
Never buy pot from the Easter Bunny.
I don't have any friends. Just mildly amusing acquaintances who I have to count the silverware after they leave.
Save fashion. Recycle a drag queen.
Show Girl Dies in Fiery Blaze - Film and Hors d'oeuvres' at eleven.
Testosterone is a blinding and powerful thing.
Euphemism for death - Shake hands with Elvis.
Guilt is a mighty splendid tool.
If you believe that you'll believe that there will be a Richard Simmons Jr.
Has the attention span of a small salad bar.
They'd pass him around faster than a free crack pipe.
Take out a loan and buy a clue.
Do you remember me? I don't know. Let me see the back of your head.
Male Bondage.
Excuse me. Can you tell me who the social director on this cruise is?
Is the lady of the house in? It's the maid’s day off. May I help you?
But what can you do with two loafs of bread and a fish?
Write down what you want to hear and I'll act like a $20 hooker and try to say it like I mean it.
And when I say "anytime", I mean "never again on this earth."
Busy hands are happy hands.
It all runs together like a watercolor in the rain.
Go home and smoke in bed.
I'm not Julie your cruise director.
Are you worried about crashing? No. I'm worried there might be a nun on board with a guitar.
You sound just like my mom. Only more bitter.
Does that bell work or is it just around your neck for show?
You may be a slut but she's a ho lot more.
It's like talking to Styrofoam.
It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done.
Smile and the whole world sleeps with you.
Tricks of the trade.
Betty Rubble on bad drugs.
Get back in to the box.
Does that come in adult sizes?
Ice Queen.
Safe Sex - Stay off the trapeze unless you have a spotter.
Don't fries come with that?
Take your clothes off and dance in the traffic.
Now back to the drama.
…and I just wasn't dressed for an orgy.
Miss Slut-face.
Wonderful goddess of the pen.
We live on the same strange TV dinner.
Perfume Sniper.
I have all your PMS days circled on my calendar, and this is not one of them.
I'd help but it would be a meaningless insincere gesture and I think we're both above that.
It's lonely at the top but God I love the view.
She's not your type - she can see.
As Liberace says: "Bottoms up!"
Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.
Birthday Bondage Bunnies.
Bulge of Death.
With all the vengeance of a gay florist choking Anita Bryant until she becomes orange juice.
Get some sturdy knee pads, and then put a lip lock on their love muscle.
Tiger lily of the libido.
Super conductor of sex
Walking mattress begging to be bounced on.
Barbie Brain Dead.
A land mass with a perm.
Tupperware Queen.
Smokey the Bear's butt boy.
What a magnificent distraction from death.
Studsicles.
Fashion floozy.
Duchess of Digression.
10 inch 'pounce me' pumps.
Mary Kay-wannabe.
It's stupid to mate in the park with a Boy Scout troop even if you are an Archbishop.
What ever happened to Baby Jane? She's on a wire hanger in your closet.
Share Taster's Choice at the Y.
A fossil with a handbag.
Babies were meant to be born not married.
Abstinence makes the rod grow stronger.
Mary Kay pink Cadillac worshiper.
Giving into love would be the death of lust.
1-900-Jessica Hahn slut.
Disco Ferret.
Jimmy Swaggart Saddle-a-Slut Motor Inn
Full Figured Sea Cow.
Solid gold submission pumps.
Just like Disneyland, except you're not allowed to ride her unless you have a quarter.
Major-league miracle fashion healing.
Go to night school and evolve a thumb.
Do you ever feel like excess baggage in the airport of life?
There is a cut-off age for sleeping with your parents.
Spy from Pansyland.
If all else fails, learn to juggle.
Bondage mime show.
He might pass for straight. It wouldn't take much of a prison term to make him switch over. Like a parking ticket would do it.
You’re going to hell. Good. We can carpool.
I respect you as a side of beef.
Make-up tips from Lily Munster.
Voted the most plastic in the land
Multimedia bondage goddess.
Sexually confused religious icon.
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?
Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
It may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell.
Men! You can't live with them and you can't: - 1. Dip them in batter for tempura, - 2. Use them for collateral on a loan, - 3. Put in new batteries, - 4. Fit more than one in your trunk at a time. - 5. Leave them on the curb when you're done with them.
I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.
Some days you step in it. Some days you don't.
Inflate-a-date.
Do you ever feel like you're starring in a sitcom of your own life?
What's the difference between Live Nude, Totally Nude, and Exotic Nude - Exotic you get to wear a flower somewhere.
The 'I Slept With Jeff Batista' Fan Club.
I've never fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times.
Yo! Booze Guy.
Don't use words you can't spell.
A marriage that lasted slightly longer than Woodstock.
Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig.
Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."
If you don't go to other people’s funerals, they won't go to yours.
This from a woman who thinks the patron saint of homosexuals is Saint Francis of Assisi.
Of course I love you, my dick is hard isn't it.
You're proof that hell is full and the dead are walking the earth.
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't have to be present.
I don’t like children. I didn't even like myself until I was 14.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved with the suitable application of high explosives.
If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.
I hate to advocate drugs, violence and insanity, but they've worked for me.
Surrender Dorothy.
Begging to be horizontal.
You're just a little bit in love with yourself.
Criminal Lawyer. - Now, that's redundant.
Carpet muncher.
No. I live in a small part of a house that belongs to two men who live together. You understand the difference.
Sometimes I hate my life. Other times I despise it.
Home of the Helen Keller light show.
I'm dating my VCR.
She looks like Anita Bryant with a press-on wig.
A gay Arab biker sushi bar.
Lovely, enchanted, painted goddess.
If you want to piss off your lover while you're having sex, pick up the phone and call him.
She's so old her Social Security Number is 1.
You should have seen that gerbil in a wedding dress.
Your 50 is up. Get out.
All the books have been read and the library is closed.
Get a yeast infection.
Hi. Want to sit on my magic lap.
Well, that was fairly psychotic.
All I need is a sexual history and we're out of here.
It helps if you lick the socket before you plug it in.
Sleep is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Have lube. Will travel.
Body by Nautilus. Brains by Mattel.
Trojan Whores.
Queen without a country.
Mama needs a gun.
Attitude is still free. Good attitude is two dollars more.
What limits people is that they don't have the nerve or the imagination to star in their own movie … let alone direct it.
   
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© I only take credit for a few of these. If you said it first, then you know who you are.