 | Your dad is a lot of things. Cool is not one of them. |
| If we all lived forever, where would you park? |
| The exact same thing is happening on Days of Our Lives. |
| I swear on my hair - may I never have a good hair day again. |
| I'll rip out your lungs and wear them as a hat. |
| Princesses come in all shapes and sizes. |
| Education and religion belong in the same sentence about as much as teeth and penis. |
| You look at me and you think I'm gonna pull a gerbil out of my butt? No. I'm not through with the gerbil yet. |
| Have sex as often as we have a democratic president. |
| Ten home pregnancy tests and a dead rabbit can't all be wrong. |
| Swamp queen. |
| Oh Yeah. Try it with a partner. |
| I plan to be so successful, so famous, so well respected, that drag queens want to dress like me in parades when I'm dead. |
| It won't be long before you start parking in the handicapped zone at the mall. |
| My heart is full. |
| An angry drag queen is scarier than a menitar. |
| Only two questions - Is it big enough and where can I put it. |
| Pot smells like Lincoln Logs in a pesto sauce. |
| The dope fairy. |
| Everything will be fine if we just sacrifice a virgin. |
| Sworming vortex of need. |
| You couldn't turn me on if I had a switch. |
| Celebrity AIDS Notification Board. |
| I'll kiss whatever you like and make it better. |
| Everyone is a sex goddess in red light. |
| Elvis has left the building. |
| Remember when sex couldn't kill you unless you lost control of the car? |
| He is the gayest human being I've ever met. |
| I picked up some subtle hints while his tongue was down my throat. |
| Teenagers are God's punishment for enjoying sex. |
| Three weeks is considered a meaningful relationship. |
| I'm going to save all the world's oceans through modeling. |
| Not since Sara Lee invented double chocolate fudge has another woman given me such pleasure? |
| Love and deep neurosis. Don't confuse the two. |
| It's hard not to be taken in by someone when they've got their tongue down your throat 24 hours a day. |
| Will work for cardboard and a magic marker. |
| Friends are around so that just when you feel like: "I'm fabulous", they ask: "What about Popeye?"-(Robin Williams) |
| Bomb threats for everyone. |
| I'm an Entertainer- or what's left of one. |
| Someone dropped a house on my sister. But I still have the shoes. |
| You're evil and you must be destroyed. |
| Elvis died for our sins. |
| She's so stupid she can't operate Velcro. |
| Oops, I'm sorry. My fault. I expressed an interest in your life. |
| Instant gratification takes too long. |
| Looks like someone buttered her and rolled her in sequins. |
| I took Quaaludes and acid. I missed my trip. |
| A Pop Quiz is when your partner wakes you in the middle of the night and asks, "OK. What's my name?" |
| You've been down on everything except the Titanic. |
| Career? Did you get a night job we don't know about? |
| Another true story about track lighting. |
| You two picked out a china pattern yet? |
| Never buy pot from the Easter Bunny. |
| I don't have any friends. Just mildly amusing acquaintances who I have to count the silverware after they leave. |
| Save fashion. Recycle a drag queen. |
| Show Girl Dies in Fiery Blaze - Film and Hors d'oeuvres' at eleven. |
| Testosterone is a blinding and powerful thing. |
| Euphemism for death - Shake hands with Elvis. |
| Guilt is a mighty splendid tool. |
| If you believe that you'll believe that there will be a Richard Simmons Jr. |
| Has the attention span of a small salad bar. |
| They'd pass him around faster than a free crack pipe. |
| Take out a loan and buy a clue. |
| Do you remember me? I don't know. Let me see the back of your head. |
| Male Bondage. |
| Excuse me. Can you tell me who the social director on this cruise is? |
| Is the lady of the house in? It's the maid’s day off. May I help you? |
| But what can you do with two loafs of bread and a fish? |
| Write down what you want to hear and I'll act like a $20 hooker and try to say it like I mean it. |
| And when I say "anytime", I mean "never again on this earth." |
| Busy hands are happy hands. |
| It all runs together like a watercolor in the rain. |
| Go home and smoke in bed. |
| I'm not Julie your cruise director. |
| Are you worried about crashing? No. I'm worried there might be a nun on board with a guitar. |
| You sound just like my mom. Only more bitter. |
| Does that bell work or is it just around your neck for show? |
| You may be a slut but she's a ho lot more. |
| It's like talking to Styrofoam. |
| It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done. |
| Smile and the whole world sleeps with you. |
| Tricks of the trade. |
| Betty Rubble on bad drugs. |
| Get back in to the box. |
| Does that come in adult sizes? |
| Ice Queen. |
| Safe Sex - Stay off the trapeze unless you have a spotter. |
| Don't fries come with that? |
| Take your clothes off and dance in the traffic. |
| Now back to the drama. |
| …and I just wasn't dressed for an orgy. |
| Miss Slut-face. |
| Wonderful goddess of the pen. |
| We live on the same strange TV dinner. |
| Perfume Sniper. |
| I have all your PMS days circled on my calendar, and this is not one of them. |
| I'd help but it would be a meaningless insincere gesture and I think we're both above that. |
| It's lonely at the top but God I love the view. |
| She's not your type - she can see. |
| As Liberace says: "Bottoms up!" |
| Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. |
| Birthday Bondage Bunnies. |
| Bulge of Death. |
| With all the vengeance of a gay florist choking Anita Bryant until she becomes orange juice. |
| Get some sturdy knee pads, and then put a lip lock on their love muscle. |
| Tiger lily of the libido. |
| Super conductor of sex |
| Walking mattress begging to be bounced on. |
| Barbie Brain Dead. |
| A land mass with a perm. |
| Tupperware Queen. |
| Smokey the Bear's butt boy. |
| What a magnificent distraction from death. |
| Studsicles. |
| Fashion floozy. |
| Duchess of Digression. |
| 10 inch 'pounce me' pumps. |
| Mary Kay-wannabe. |
| It's stupid to mate in the park with a Boy Scout troop even if you are an Archbishop. |
| What ever happened to Baby Jane? She's on a wire hanger in your closet. |
| Share Taster's Choice at the Y. |
| A fossil with a handbag. |
| Babies were meant to be born not married. |
| Abstinence makes the rod grow stronger. |
| Mary Kay pink Cadillac worshiper. |
| Giving into love would be the death of lust. |
| 1-900-Jessica Hahn slut. |
| Disco Ferret. |
| Jimmy Swaggart Saddle-a-Slut Motor Inn |
| Full Figured Sea Cow. |
| Solid gold submission pumps. |
| Just like Disneyland, except you're not allowed to ride her unless you have a quarter. |
| Major-league miracle fashion healing. |
| Go to night school and evolve a thumb. |
| Do you ever feel like excess baggage in the airport of life? |
| There is a cut-off age for sleeping with your parents. |
| Spy from Pansyland. |
| If all else fails, learn to juggle. |
| Bondage mime show. |
| He might pass for straight. It wouldn't take much of a prison term to make him switch over. Like a parking ticket would do it. |
| You’re going to hell. Good. We can carpool. |
| I respect you as a side of beef. |
| Make-up tips from Lily Munster. |
| Voted the most plastic in the land |
| Multimedia bondage goddess. |
| Sexually confused religious icon. |
| What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive? |
| Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it. |
| Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. |
| It may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell. |
| Men! You can't live with them and you can't: - 1. Dip them in batter for tempura, - 2. Use them for collateral on a loan, - 3. Put in new batteries, - 4. Fit more than one in your trunk at a time. - 5. Leave them on the curb when you're done with them. |
| I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear. |
| Some days you step in it. Some days you don't. |
| Inflate-a-date. |
| Do you ever feel like you're starring in a sitcom of your own life? |
| What's the difference between Live Nude, Totally Nude, and Exotic Nude - Exotic you get to wear a flower somewhere. |
| The 'I Slept With Jeff Batista' Fan Club. |
| I've never fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times. |
| Yo! Booze Guy. |
| Don't use words you can't spell. |
| A marriage that lasted slightly longer than Woodstock. |
| Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig. |
| Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready." |
| If you don't go to other people’s funerals, they won't go to yours. |
| This from a woman who thinks the patron saint of homosexuals is Saint Francis of Assisi. |
| Of course I love you, my dick is hard isn't it. |
| You're proof that hell is full and the dead are walking the earth. |
| I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't have to be present. |
| I don’t like children. I didn't even like myself until I was 14. |
| There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved with the suitable application of high explosives. |
| If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me. |
| I hate to advocate drugs, violence and insanity, but they've worked for me. |
| Surrender Dorothy. |
| Begging to be horizontal. |
| You're just a little bit in love with yourself. |
| Criminal Lawyer. - Now, that's redundant. |
| Carpet muncher. |
| No. I live in a small part of a house that belongs to two men who live together. You understand the difference. |
| Sometimes I hate my life. Other times I despise it. |
| Home of the Helen Keller light show. |
| I'm dating my VCR. |
| She looks like Anita Bryant with a press-on wig. |
| A gay Arab biker sushi bar. |
| Lovely, enchanted, painted goddess. |
| If you want to piss off your lover while you're having sex, pick up the phone and call him. |
| She's so old her Social Security Number is 1. |
| You should have seen that gerbil in a wedding dress. |
| Your 50¢ is up. Get out. |
| All the books have been read and the library is closed. |
| Get a yeast infection. |
| Hi. Want to sit on my magic lap. |
| Well, that was fairly psychotic. |
| All I need is a sexual history and we're out of here. |
| It helps if you lick the socket before you plug it in. |
| Sleep is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. |
| Have lube. Will travel. |
| Body by Nautilus. Brains by Mattel. |
| Trojan Whores. |
| Queen without a country. |
| Mama needs a gun. |
| Attitude is still free. Good attitude is two dollars more. |
| What limits people is that they don't have the nerve or the imagination to star in their own movie … let alone direct it. |
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