I don't make this stuff up. I just write it down when I see it.
Nothing You Need But Everything You Want.
A body at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force like an alarm clock, Willard Scott, or a day person.
Kids are like a swimming pool- Let somebody else do the maintenance, I'll just show up every once and a while.
Can't I just stay here and pound my thumb with a hammer?
Who do you have to fuck to get a drink around here?
Lovers come and go but ex-lovers are forever.
Stress-What happens when your gut says NO and your mouth says "Sure, I'll be glad to."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a new lover, so fuck you.
I can't seem to get a relationship to last longer than it takes me to record all their CDs.
Misery loves company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying "Go Around!"
To pick up a really drunk person in a bar: simply walk up to them and say "Come on, Let's go."
The only way to fight quality is with sleaze.
St. Joseph's Valium for children or possibly a chewable Quaalude.
When you crawl under peoples houses you here things.
Save it for your mother.
Does it ever seem to you that life is one long Frank Capra Movie?
Mr. Brown is in Chicago with a woman half his age. We've been divorced for 15 years. I got the house and a lot of money. He got his underwear and the asphalt on the driveway.
I've been walking in my sleep. I woke up this morning at home, in bed, alone.
A healthy dose of paranoia is what gets you through the day.
If going to church makes you a Christian, then going to the garage makes you a car.
Signs that warn of deer that never cross.
Transplants are great but who's going to water them when you're gone?
There's no such thing as love. It's all quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing.
Would you rather me be making love to you using his name or me making love to him using yours?
Nuns do it out of habit.
Drink your coffee, there are people in India sleeping.
Shame is an unhappy emotion embedded by pious in order to exploit the human race.
She's tried more men than Judge Wapner.
Wife swapping skinhead transvestites with nipple clamps.
Look that up in your Funk and Waggles.
These aren't my hips they're a cruel joke that run in my family.
My weight's OK it's just the way I wear it.
Run, find your partner, fall in love and have babies. Yes it's that easy.
You're born naked, everything else is drag.
I'm bisexual. I have to buy sex.
Get some #25 sun block, You're going straight to hell.
The navy is training Dolphins to use guns. This should make the fisherman a little nervous.
Go dance alone in your underwear.
Dumped you? You hit the ground like a safe.
Gee, I'd love too, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.
Careful or we'll revoke your PMS privileges.
I feel like I've been reincarnated as a rag.
Woo! Ex-wife flashback.
Let's see if you feel that way when someone hands you a can of Redi-Whip.
Everyone wants grandchildren. But nobody's figured out how to get them without being a grandparent.
Some people think the three food groups are canned, frozen, and take-out.
Never trust a Chinese restaurant that is open 24 hours and never takes out any garbage.
True intelligence transcends all color barriers. Just like true asininity transcends all color barriers. That's right, you can find an ass in every crowd.
One big wild desperate adrenal rush with stuff getting knocked over and things busting apart at the seams.
You worship the quicksand I walk on.
Being in love is like being in space - no gravity to keep you rooted to the ground.
I like my men like I like my subways - Hot, Packed, and unloading every three minutes.
...Moving through life like a hemophiliac through a razor factory.
This is it. I have found it. I am in hell.
I love you more than my luggage.
Five hundred bucks buys a lot of attention.
If you can achieve puberty you can achieve a past.
Boring, self-centered, insensitive, old fool, who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, diaper, and shot heart shaped arrows at your butt.
Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?
Changing agents is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
She's so happy she's almost a Disney character.
Let's play hide the sausage.
She's classified by the navy as a friendly port.
You can't change the world if you’re bent over puking on your shoes.
Always check the one who looks the most innocent.
"I don't have anything to wear." translates to "I'm fat and there's nothing here that can help."
A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac sits up all night trying to decide if there's a dog or not.
Joan Crawford, stiletto, fuck me pumps from hell.
Anything healthy for you can be dipped in chocolate.
We do some of our best work at indecent hours.
Lies and innuendoes will get you everywhere.
She's seen more dicks than a catheter.
Two things you're sure to find in an Atlanta men's room - no toilet paper and your phone number.
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her waterbed, eating her crunchy granola.
Printed on a book of matches: Post earthquake gas leak detection kit. If you don’t believe us it's not our fault.
You're just jealous because I'm anatomically correct.
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, You'd be a game show host.
We may be lost but we're ahead of schedule.
If someone from the Big Girl Escort Service stops by your house tonight, it's because I thought it was a good idea at the time.
The door to my virtue needs a receptionist, And a waiting room.
If you think I don't have the spirit of giving - Call MasterCard, they'll tell you.
I feel your love and I bask in it.
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?
To stay alive in prison you either make them laugh, fight, or become homecoming queen of cell block #9.
I'm monogamous with everyone I'm with.
It's like fighting Sybil with PMS.
Rednecks are your best entertainment value.
I'm not an alcoholic; I'm a drunk. Alcoholics have to go to those meetings.
The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.
You have a weight problem - You can't wait to eat.
Mutual oral explorations confined to areas about the face.
That's when the acid kicked in.
I'm looking for a new condom - one with a man attached.
It scares me when you have to be nice to a paranoid schizophrenic just because she lives in your body.
The hardest part about having sex with an eight-year-old is what to do with the body when you're finished.
I believe that there is someone for everyone even if it takes a pickax, compass, and night goggles to find them.
Barbara Bush looks like Loran Green in drag.
You couldn't score in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.
Don't trust your doctor if he gives you a prostate exam with both of his hands on your shoulders.
She needs a lethal injection.
He's like you, but with a human head.
Don't you hate when you panic and kill a hooker?
Virginity can be cured. Pledge now. Give till it hurts.
The Ideal Love: Sleazy enough to turn you on at home, but won't embarrass you in public.
Beefy Burritos of Manhood.
Like Yoda - only not as tall.
Like I'm really going to spread now.
Only washers and dryers come in matching sets - after that all hell breaks loose.
She has the IQ of a Handi-wipe.
Strip-search me?!
Every time I stand up for myself, someone takes my seat.
Men are like dove bars: one is great, two make you throw up.
I love the smell of scandal in the morning.
Dreams are postcards from the unconscious.
Hotter than Chernobyl on a Saturday night.
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
It's important to have an active fantasy life.
There should be a FAA requirement that all crying babies should be placed in the overhead compartment.
Youth is definitely wasted on the young.
It's a little early in the morning to say thank you to anyone, but if I could mean it, I would.

© I only take credit for a few of these. If you said it first, then you know who you are.